In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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