Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
