apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
