Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
