i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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