It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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