I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
