i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
