he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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