I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize