Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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