it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
