too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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