My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
