Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
