i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
