Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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