God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
