operation harelip BJ is a go
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
