I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
