Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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