Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
