dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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