so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
PANTIES FOUND
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