I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
