3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
