i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize