I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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