he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize