I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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