Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
