Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
