proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Randomize
