i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
