My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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