sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
