He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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