I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When did angry sex become our thing?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize