I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
