The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
