I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
