I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
organizing the empties. That sober.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize