"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
