Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
