i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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