Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think your dad took our porno
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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