I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
