The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
