i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
