The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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