Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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