Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
