I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
