You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
