Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
